The reason I’m talking Trip Advisor is because I’ve just booked a couple of restaurants for my upcoming trip to the States (one in San Fran and one in Minneapolis). I know that they both will be amazing because the endless stream of comments say, well, amazing things about them. Also, Trip Advisor can help steer you clear of dodgy restaurants and hotels. And yes, maybe competing hotels and restaurants might throw in a shocking review, but when there are 272 reviews for a hotel and 251 say that it is terrible then you can be pretty sure that is it worthy of a wide berth. Some of the reviews for these terrible establishments are fantastic. The aforementioned hotel (the Nanford Guest House in Oxford, England) with all those bad reviews had these words of wisdom in its reviews:

‘You’ll need therapy after this hotel. Save yourself and just don’t do it.’

‘The Worst Hotel in the History of Mankind.’

A photo from Trip Advisor of a surprise found next to the bed from a… ahem, ‘larger’ guest.

‘Had I known that I would be faced with this cesspit I would have gladly slept in my car in the freezing conditions.

We were greeted by a creepy looking man who gave no eye contact, spoke pretty much with grunts and treated us like we were a nuisance. The room smelt disgusting, like cigarettes and old people.’

‘Where do I start, pulled blanket back and it was covered in pubes and what looked like urine stains all over.
’

I’d steer clear of the Hotel Carter in New York as well:

‘To call this a ‘fleabag’ hotel would be an unconscionable insult to both fleas and bags everywhere.’

‘Go and sleep on the subway, it’s cleaner.’

One guest at the Hotel Carter wasn’t taking any risks (this is a real shot of the Hotel!)

‘We believe the 9th floor is the point of origin for every bacteria known to man.’

‘I felt sick every minute I spent on this hotel. I could never imagine to find such a trash place, not even in my worst nightmare…’

‘I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to stay here.’

And if you don’t want to catch a venereal disease don’t stay at the Parisian Hotel & Suites in Miami Beach. The hotel gets an impressive 87 terrible reviews out of 91.

‘When we arrived we were told we had a 2 bed room with a bathroom, we were given a bunk bed in a glorified jail cell with a desk. We had a community bathroom at the end of the hall where we discovered a condom on the sink. The room maid stole my friend’s prescription pills out of his suitcase while we were on the beach. I felt like I got AIDS by touching the sheets. Do not stay here under any circumstances. Please.

‘Absolutely filthy, tiny, excuse for a room, towels were tiny pieces of sandpaper covered in filth, blood and rust. The bed felt like sleeping on nails and rocks. We would have slept on the floor but the carpet was so dirty we didn’t take our shoes off!  We found a disgusting pair of used panties in the closet.’

‘Dirty, filthy, run-down, smelly, crack-hotel feel to this place! Carpeting is old, stained and dirty. Towels are old, stained, and dirty. Beds are old, stained, and dirty. Walls are old, stained, and dirty. Bed spread full of hair. It is almost midnight and we cannot even force ourselves to stay here another minute! Camping in a tent in the middle of the woods is cleaner than this place!’

This pic on Trip Advisor is marked ‘body fluids on mattress’. I’m more worried what the hell that is under the bed!

‘Avoid staying here by all means – stay under a bridge you will sleep better and get a better treatment.’

And I love this one (for the same dirty, filthy, run-down, smelly, crack-hotel):

When ape like creatures gathered themselves together, invented fire, realised the absence of humour in Adam Sandler films and finally moved out of faeces lined caves, I think they imagined they would never return to that place. Sadly, some modern day hominids had the misfortune of unearthing the cave, or Parisian Hotel & Suites as they call it now.

The subsequent million years haven’t been kind to the place, though it may pass for a museum of ;

a) Strange coloured stains, upon all fittings.
b) The horrors of the drug trade, the syringes carefully displayed in separate draws.
c) Conception techniques throughout the ages, from the modern condom beneath the bed, to the shower that only ran in ice cold jets straight from a Russian base in the Arctic.

Like all good museums, out front was displayed several mummified bodies, tenuously referred to as “staff” They really were quite convincing, I though I saw one of them move slightly, but to believe that would be a bit daft.’

Some restaurants haven’t faired much better when it come to reviews. Here are some random terrible reviews for random terrible restaurants:

‘Casa Pukey. Avoid like the plague.’

‘I’d prefer to bite a ball of tinfoil than swallow any of the food from this place again. The ‘jambon italia’ starter was basically a half eaten rasher. Think I spotted some cat whiskers on it even. Highlight of the evening was the brain freeze I got from my gelato dessert – at least it distracted me from the horrible taste in my mouth.’

‘Quite honestly the worst dining experience ever. It was so completely bad in every aspect that it became a comical farce. Terrible service, menus stolen from another restaurant, frozen cheese in the dishes, etc etc. 4 other sets of tables walked out before we finally did. On walking out the ‘manager’ told the waiter “I told you we should have turned the oven on”.’

‘Probably the worst Indian food on the planet. Clearly this place relies on trade from late diners when everyone has had a skinful; however with food this bad no amount of booze could make it taste any better.’

So not only does Trip Advisor direct me to some great hotels and restaurants, it keeps me away from places like these!

We’re off to the the States in five weeks, so I also had to apply for a US visa waiver for Luca. As part of the application we had to answer some questions on behalf of Luca.  I really had to think about whether Luca had ‘ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance’ or if he had been ‘a controlled substance trafficker’. One question was a toughie, though. Will Luca partake in ‘immoral activities?’ Does that include pooing and weeing  and screaming uncontrollably in public? At least I’m pretty sure that Luca has not been involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 he was involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies.’

Luca does look pretty cute in his photo, however (and I’m not biased in any way!). It could have been a lot worse – he could have looked like this baby passport photo…

There are some other great speakers as well including the vagabonding Rolf Potts, train traveller Patrick Holland, Carpet warmonger Christopher Kremmer and French ‘wine educator’ Olivier Magny.

You can find the full program here.

Balicasag Island, Phillipines
For under $20 I hired a boat (and boat driver!) to take me from Panglao Island in Bohol on a snorkelling trip to the tiny island of Balicasag. Below is a pic of our approach to the island. I spent the day snorkelling over (and in between) magnificent coral reefs surrounded by the usual suspects of colourful fish and surprisingly curious giant turtles. I finished off my day with a delicious meal of grilled chicken and fish and an ice cold San Miguel beer – which was very impressive seeing as the ‘restaurant’ was a really just a few tarps strung up in the trees (see below).

Grampians, Victoria, Australia
I may have seen a lot of the world, but up until this year I hadn’t been to one of the biggest tourist attractions in my own backyard. And with the Grampians only a few hour’s drive from Melbourne I don’t know why I waited so long. I had a wonderful weekend staying in a gorgeous B&B (with my gorgeous wife), taking long hikes through and in and over spectacular rock formations and dining in front of roaring fire with a rather delightful local pinot noir. And we were home in time for supper!

Arrowsmith Ranges, Canterbury, New Zealand
What a perfect way to spend a birthday. Jump in a helicopter then jump out of it on top of a steep New Zealand mountain peak even Froddo would be too scared to climb. Then launch yourself into steep and deep snow on a pair of skis. Then repeat seven times. Then in the middle of all that stop for a spectacular lunch (that’s the food and the view) right in the middle of Middle Earth. Throw in a chocolate birthday cake and you have the perfect birthday.

Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei
It’s been a while since I’ve added a new country to my list, but I hit country No. 78 when I popped into Brunei. I only popped in for a day and a night, but that was probably enough. For a start the country is entirely dry, as in no alcohol at all – and what fun is that! On my one and only evening I was in bed at 8.30 watching a movie in my hotel room. There are no bars or in fact anywhere to go at night except wander the empty and spotlessly clean streets (throwing rubbish gets you three months in jail!). The next day after I’d seen a couple of large mosques, checked out the palace, visited the market and been for a boat ride to visit the ‘floating village’ I’d just about done the entire country and was ready for a beer.

Karaoke, Anda, Philippines
I love karaoke almost as much as the Filipinos. The family that I stayed with in the tiny village of Cassica may not have had a bathroom or a kitchen or a fridge, but they did have a huge PA system with mixing desk, radio mics, a TV set just for karaoke and over 5,000 songs to choose from (below is the ‘karaoke lounge’). And when they fire it up the whole village can hear it. And on the night that we karaoked the family made me sing. All night. I sang over 30 songs and many of them they chose for me, including classics by Kenny Rodgers and Celine Dion. (The PA system and karaoke TV with curtains is in the corner in shot below)

Craigieburn ski field, Southern Alps, New Zealand
Craigieburn is one of the many ‘club fields’ in the South Island of New Zealand that offers private patches of mountain managed and run by ski clubs. And there sure is a lot to love about them. Firstly, there are no crowds. On the perfectly clear day that we were there I counted all of 32 cars in the car park (see pic below). That means big wide open slopes (see the same pic below) virtually to yourself. Admittedly I’ve had better skiing (the snow was a bit ‘hard’), but I loved being in the middle of the Southern Alps with amazing views and, my favourite bit, having lunch on the verandah of the clubhouse where you purchased a slab of raw meat and cooked it yourself (that’s me and my friend Wally below cooking up our burgers!).

MONA, Hobart, Tasmania
I did a blog about my visit to the MONA and not only was visiting the ‘museum’ one of my highlights of the year, but its up there with the best galleries I’ve visited. Which gives me an idea for an upcoming blog: My Top Ten favourite galleries of the world. Stay tuned!

Scooter ride, Loboc, Philippines
I hired a scooter a few times while I was in the Philippines, but my favourite expedition was my ride from Loboc to the Chocolate Hills. I rode up steep mountains roads in the shade of giant trees, through lush green rice fields, wound my way through the amazing Chocolate Hills and stopped to check out a tarsier sanctuary. From the photo below you can see that I’m almost as happy about it as the tarsier statues.

Crown Metropol Hotel, Melbourne, Australia
I love being upgraded. And it’s even better when you’re being upgraded in a hotel that is already luxurious enough. My wife and I celebrated our anniversary with a night out at the Metropol Hotel and not only did we get upgraded to one of the executive suites, but that included the ‘executive breakfast’ in the top floor bar. And besides all that we swam in the amazing pool, ate a wonderful meal at Mr. Hive restaurant and stole all the fancy toiletries.

Whale watching, Harvey Bay, Queensland
You can pay around $150 for a whale watching trip in Harvey Bay, but I luckily have a brother who lives up there and who owns a boat and knows where the whales are. We had a lovely day cruising around with his family and my daughter and  we saw at least a dozen humpback whales (many with their calves in tow) and on quite a few occasions had the whales to ourselves (without the large whale watching boats in tow). My daughter Jasmine insisted that she attracted the whales with her ‘whale calls’ (made famous by Ellen Degeneres’s character Dory in the movie ‘Nemo’).

Well, happy new year folks and I hope it’s filled with rewarding travel experiences whether that be near or far.

Once called “the island of serendipity”, Sri Lanka is a place where a rich culture and chequered history combine. Where cricket tragics, surfers, and adventurers meet Buddhist monks, fishermen, and orphaned elephants. Where the scent of cinnamon floats on the air and there’s a feeling that anything is possible.

This collection of travellers’ tales has been put together to benefit the “Samadhi Grove” early childhood development centre in the village of Smagipura in southern Sri Lanka. The preschool is the dream of an Australian Buddhist nun, Sister Susila, who has been visiting Sri Lanka since the 2004 tsunami, working with underprivileged and disabled children.

Join some of Australia’s best known travel writers, who have generously donated their work to this anthology, as they explore the serendipitous joys of travel in Sri Lanka. Susan Kurosawa explores the eccentricities of this wonderful island nation, John Borthwick pauses on the ‘siesta coast’, Daniel Scott takes the cycling tour of his life, keen surfers Louise Southerden and Brad Crouch test the waves, and Brian Thacker helps his Dad relive some memories. Then there’s cricket, white-water rafting, elephants and whales, unusual hotels, and a cast of wonderful characters.

Filma’s cheerfully-painted house in Loboc, Bohol

The view from Filma’s front gate (the house on the right was where I ‘hired’ my scooter from.

The view from the back door!

Filma on her way out to work at a cable TV channel in Bohol’s capital Tagbilaren City (one hour away by bus).

The maid, the cook and the kids.

The Cook in the outdoor kitchen.

The dining room (my bedroom was just off to the left after the doorway).

Filma’s next door neighbour who every morning at around 8 o’clock would ask if I’d like to come over for a drink. As in whiskey or beer. ‘Come on, let’s get drunk!’ he would say when I declined every morning.

My floating restaurant on the Loboc River (one of many!) and…

…the large and tasty buffet.

The very green Loboc River and a local band and dance troupe waiting to perform (each floating restaurants pulls up to listen to a couple of songs).

The Chocolate Hills (sponsored by Cadburys). Actually they are called the Chocolate Hills because the turn a chocolate-brown in the dry season.

This is a tarsier – the kooky little critter fits in your hand has eyes that are, by scale, 150 times bigger than a humans. They call also jump 40 times their own body length and eats frogs, birds and bats. They are endangered, but I went to a tarsier sanctuary where they had around 40 of the little fellows.

The delightfully decorative Filipino Jeepney (public bus). This is the one I took from Loboc to the capital Tagbilaren City.

I stayed in Tagbilaren City for a couple of days and hired a scooter and rode to Panglao Island,  Bohol’s biggest tourist destination. It was full of tourists and tourist restaurants and bars (which was a little bit of a shock haven’t not seen any for a couple of weeks), but the main beach area was still stunning. And no high rises have popped up…yet.

I think I need another research trip back in the Philippines VERY soon.

I travelled to the island of Bohol (an hour’s flight south of Manila) and took a bus almost almost three hours from the capital of Tagbilaren City to Anda on the south coast and finally a 40 minute walk inland to the village of Cassica. In this small and delightfully charming village I stayed with Elfrena and Judito Mapeso. I’d found out about the Mapeso’s homestay  through Philippines Homestay Experience, which offers homestays all across the Philippines. For around $15 a night you get a bed in a home and, best of all, get to experience the daily life of a Filipino family and village. Plus your tourism dollars are going directly to the local communities. I stayed with two separate families in two quite different villages. Below are pics from my stay in Cassica…

The road from the town of Anda to Cassica takes you past a large lagoon, rice fields, tropical jungle and to the base of lush green hills.

The ‘Main Street’ of Cassica and, like many villages throughout the Phillipines, the central ’square’ is…

…a basketball court. The Filipinos LOVE basketball. I had a game with the locals and they NEVER miss!

My hosts Judito and Efrena in front of their house. Their 19 year old son is at Uni (doing accounting) in Manila, so I had his old bedroom.

The loungeroom. Judito and Efrena may have had no fridge, no shower and cooked outside on an open fire, but they did have…

…a full-blown, state-of-the-art Karaoke system with a booming PA system (in bottom left of shot), mixing desk, radio mics and over 5,000 songs in their playlist. One night I sang, and I’m not exaggerating, over 30 songs! Oh, and don’t you love the curtains.

This is Efrena’s open kitchen where she cooked up fried fish, chicken and some sort of beef log thing that tasted better than it looked.

This plate of fish was JUST for me one night for dinner. I also got a huge bowl of rice and stir-fried vegetables. A home-cooked meal costs just over 2 dollars on top of your accommodation.

This is where I ate my meals. That fridge doesn’t work by the way. it’s used for storage.

My bedroom. The bed was comfy and I did have a little fan to cool me down and, best of all, those damn mosquitos couldn’t get to me.

The village of Cassica (in the background behind the palms) is surrounded by rice fields. I asked Efrena if there was anywhere that I could hire a scooter and she rang her cousin who brought around her brand new bike and gave it to me for a few bucks for the day. And only 15 minutes ride away was this…

This is Anda beach. Or only part of Anda beach – it actually stretches about 10 kms around the coast. I walked for a couple of hours past untouched stunning beaches with only the odd local putting out their boats or picking out sea urchins from the shallows. Like these kids here…

And yes, how amazing is that water. I brought my own goggles and snorkel with me and just off shore were thousands of brightly-coloured fish and giant sea turtles amongst the coral. This beach (and all along the coast) would easily make it into my Best Beaches in the World list!

More locals. More stunning blue water. And more reasons why I wish i was back there right now.

And if you do feel like a glass of wine and a view there are a few resorts dotted along the caost. This one here (the Anda White beach Resort) was about an hour’s walk along the coast from Anda town. And yes, I had a lovely glass of italian win and bowl of giant prawns for under $10.

In my next blog (next week I promise) I’ll take you to Loboc where I saw the famous Chocolate Hills and a kooky little critter called a tarsier.

We spent almost five hours at the museum (including a delicious lunch with wine from the winery on premises), but the experience starts before you get there. You get there by the MONA boat (with bar and onboard barista), which is the best way to approach the museum because it gives the strongest sense of its architecture and the way that it is coaxed from the hillside in which it is constructed. In fact, I’d say its up there with the best galleries in the world that I’ve been to. Here are a few more pics (and no more vaginas you’ll be happy to know…)

On the MONA boat leaving Hobart harbour with a  snow-clad Mt. Wellington in the background.

Chugging down the Derwent River towards MONA.

Arriving at MONA.

What a way to arrive!

Brett Whiteley’s Snake Wall. Very impressive and not a vagina in sight.

The Fat Car. Love it.

Okay, the hanging horse was a little creepy, but check out the pic on the left?

There were a lot more ’subversive’ art on show, but I won’t show you in case your kids are looking. You’ll have to go for yourself!

Zimbabwe (Dollar)
No, that pic above isn’t a joke – up until 2009 the largest bank note in Zimbabwe was 100 Trillion dollars. That, by the way, was worth a whopping $5, and you can now get one on Ebay for around $2. I was so excited back in 2006 when I picked up my 25 billion dollar note (I got it in South Africa), but that’s only loose change in Zimbabwe.

Burma/Myanmar (Kyat)
These notes weren’t  in circulation when I visited Burma, but I had to buy some. Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to have a 15, 35 and 75 Kyat banknotes.

Mind you, at least they were in a better condition than the ‘new’ notes I used in Burma…

Mongolia (Tögrög)
They do love their horses in Mongolia. Every single note had a lovely etching of frolicking mares on it. It was also one of the most difficult currencies to pronounce in my travels: Toogroog? Tugrug? TowgRowg? Or something like that.

Belarus (Ruble)
Not only did the Belarus folk like cute little critters on their notes, the notes themselves were cute little tiny things – they were not much bigger than a large stamp.

East Germany (Ostmark)
This was funny money because it was worth sod all. Actually, it was worth something, but there was nothing to buy in East Germany. Back in the 80s you could cross into East Berlin for the day, but you had to exchange a 25 Marks at a 1:1 exchange rate with the West German Mark – although you could easily get the Ostmark on the black market at 5:1. The only problem was that unless you wanted to buy badly-made plastic buckets or terrible food  there was nothing to spend your money on. The country was so exciting that they put industrial chimney stacks belching out smoke on their 50 Mark note…

Russia (Ruble)
I visited Russia twice – back in 1992 and in 2001. Back in ‘92 the restaurant food was inedible and GUM department store sold badly-made plastic buckets. In 2001 the restaurant food was unaffordable and GUM department store sold Armani suits. The money had changed also – but I think I preferred the old 10 ruble note. It looked more, well… Russian!

Old Russian 10 Ruble note

New Russian 10 Ruble note

I could keep going, but I can see you losing interest already, so that will do for now. In the next installment of Travels in my Shoebox I’ll drag out some new additions to my impressive, and impressively large,  postcard collection.